Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Lump in My Throat

I'm sitting here with my computer in my lap and what do I hear?  Silence.  Wow - not what I'm used to.  The big boys are (gulp) at school and the baby is asleep.  I don't hear a peep in this house.  And I don't like it.  Don't get me wrong, I've been cleaning and playing with my third little sweetie today - and I love that time.  But, admittedly, I've looked at the clock a ton of times wondering is it 2:20 yet? 

I've got a big ole lump in my throat today.  This feeling has happened several times in my life - always a sign of change.  I remember feeling this way the first night I was away at college - laying in that twin bed wondering what was in store for me...  I remember feeling this way the first night I was in Africa 9 years ago - laying in a strange "bed" wondering what was in store for me.  I remember feeling this way the night before my wedding (although it was a very happy lump in my throat that night!!!) - laying in my childhood bed wondering what was in store for me.  I remember laying in the hospital bed on October 13, 2006 wondering what it would be like to be a mommy - wondering what was in store for me.  And again on May 29, 2008 - the night before I would be a mommy again - wondering what it would be like to love two beings with all my heart.  And yet again, on a hospital bed on October 11, 2013 wondering what life with three amazing boys who give me the title mommy.  Last year around this time, I laid on the floor beside my boys' bunk beds wondering through tears, how this momma would make it with Jacob going off to school.  And darn it, that same feeling is back today.  I'm sitting here on my bed, with a big ole lump in my throat wondering - how in the world is it possible that both my big boys are in school today.  Yep, today, I'm the proud momma of a first grader and a (GULP!!!) kindergartener.  And I'm wondering - what's in store for my littles.  Y'all, I'm missing my babies.  I know they are in great hands and I feel great about the school they are in and I know they will love learning new things.  Jacob is so excited.  I love his exuberance about learning and exploring.  CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT HIS FIRST DAY OF FIRST GRADE!  Jonathan is another story...  he is so sweet but for some reason seams a little more vulnerable than Jacob did this time last year.  I know he's quite a bit younger and maybe it's his sweet little speech delay, but whatever it is, I'm more worried about him.  He was super excited though, so that makes it easier.  Last night, the lump in my throat was HUGE.  Before bed, I was feeding Joshua and trying to read to big boys and do worship.  Joshua wiggled out of my lap and guess who was quick to crawl in... yep, my sweet Jonathan.  He crawled up in my lap and asked me to hold him.  Then, while I was reading a story to them, he brushed my hair the whole time.  I mean,  I held him extra tight and snuggled him a few more minutes than usual and prayed the whole night long.  Literally.  I don't think I slept more than a couple of hours.  Today, I snapped some pictures, wiped his face and fixed his hair and sent him off to kindergarten. Seems unreal.   Praying he has a fantastic first experience with learning. Praying he doesn't feel lonely or afraid.  Praying that he won't have trouble with his belt or pants button if he needs to go potty and that he will be able to open his straw okay on his juice box and that he knows exactly what to do at the end of the day for car riders...  oh God, help me not worry.  They both have wonderful Godly teachers and I'm so grateful for that!   Praying God surrounds my boys with great friends who also love the Lord and make good decisions.  Lord, they are yours.  Use them for your Glory.   May they always be willing to be light in a dark world and true salt of the earth. 

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