(*warning* airing dirty laundry below)
To say that I feel challenged by something we learned in our Couple Time Bible study last night is an understatement... I've been mulling it over all night and know that I have a lot of work to do. We are so blessed to be a part of an amazing "couple time" group - 6 other couples our age, all with kids, which meets once each month. We look forward to it so much each month. We are currently doing a study by Andy Stanley called "I Marriage." The basis of the study is that we are to drop all our expectations of our spouse and simply love them because they.owe.us.nothing. Last night, in the video, Andy said something like this.. "you are chosen by God to be the earthly conduit by which God pours out His love on your spouse." WOW... that means that my primary job in my marriage to be "Jesus" to Billy. To truly love him the way God loves him, without wanting or expecting anything in return. Now, I'd like to think that that's a piece of cake and we do that naturally for each other, but let's be real. I don't. I am selfish and often "keep score." I don't even mean too - really I don't. Sometimes when he's playing ball or playing video games, I think to myself "when's it my turn? When am I supposed to get some me time" And then I'm reminded that Billy lets me exercise nearly every day while taking on full responsibilities for the boys when I do that for about an hour each day. Or when one of the boys wakes up and I secretly lay there thinking if I don't move, he'll get up and go so I can stay in my warm bed...or even worse - I jab him awake and say Jacob wants you... :-) Or when I'm cooking dinner and think "he better enjoy this... and I sure hope he cleans the dishes." Or when I get all passive aggressive about stuff and sulk around pretending to do my own thing around the house. Sometimes at the end of the day, I think to myself "omg if one more person needs something from me today or asks me to do something for them or says my "moooooommmmmyyyyyy" one more time, I might just crawl under the covers. Sometimes, when 5:00 rolls around and Billy comes home, I've got very little left to give him...(not that I'd ever do those things, but just sayin' what if?)
Oh my. I am so thankful for Billy. He is a wonderful man and I'm so privileged to call him mine. No better life partner could be found for me I'm certain. We really are a perfect match and love each other very much. But I've been challenged to try to love him even more deeply. With no selfishness attached. I know that's only possible by the grace of God and by my efforts to continually know the Father better. Only if I am truly being led by the Holy Spirit can I make this even remotely possible. Ya'll be praying for me and hold me accountable, m'kay?